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Positions - 02.14.01
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Fetal Positions
We just passed the one year anniversary of our "mainstream" print debut! Then again, in about a week we'll pass the one year anniversary of the first time anyone threatened to fire us. I am of course talking about our infamous appearances in Michigan State University's The State News. I don't know whether Allison realized the historical significance of this week when she dropped this e-mail bomb on us: HEy dudes, what the fuck the comics in the state news now are so fuckin stupid. fetusx was the coolestthing that ever happened to that newspaper. now its only interesting if i sneeze on it in an exciting new way. why do i have to wait for a computer in the lab so i can read fetusx when i used to be able to find it everywhere? the establishments gotta go down. fuck the state news. MacPherson's gotta die. Allison Strong words there Allison, but let's see if we can't focus that anger a little bit. First off, MSU's President Peter McPherson doesn't really have much control over your student newspaper. Believe it or not, that paper's actually controlled by students. Now, McPherson could try to pressure those students into doing certain things, and those students could bow down to that pressure, but if that ever happened I'd blame the students for being spineless, not the bureacrat for being conservative and power hungry. After all, we expect that from bureacrats. We don't, however, expect journalists to be controlled by politicians, in college newspapers or anywhere. Now that we've got MacPherson off the hook, let's take a look at that student newspaper of yours. First, it's a student newspaper. Since a typical student spends four or five years in college, you have to figure the entire staff of that paper changes every five years. Then, if you figure that the people in charge are probably all juniors and seniors, you can figure that the people in power change even faster - every two years or less. Our experience with your paper bares this out. The State News that hired us was very different from The State News that fired us. And, believe it or not, The State News you're currently soiling your hands with is even different still. Hell, they got a spiffy new editor and their old general manager resigned. So it's a whole new crew, and believe it or not they seem a bit more fetus-friendly then the past group. Hell, these new kids were cool enough to pay us all the money the old kids owed us. "Check" this out:
Notice that date, Dec. 19, four months after we last graced their publication. Yeah, I know, paying us money they owed us for four months is sort of stretching the definition of the word "cool," but it's certainly a lot cooler than the types of people that'll fire you in an answering machine message and then rip you off for a few hundred bucks. Now that, my friends, is what we call "un-cool." And who knows, maybe someday there'll be a crew at your student newspaper that's cool enough to print Fetus-X comics again. I'm doing my part by littering our countryside with illegitimate children, one of whom may some day work at your student newspaper. Then, after he realizes where all that child support money came from he'll hire back his old dad to draw fetus comics in his college newspaper again. It's a fool-proof plan; let's just hope, Allison, that you're still not in college in twenty years when it all comes together. In the meantime here's a few things everyone can do to make your newspaper, wherever you live, useful for more than just catching your sneezes: 1. Keep, e-mailing us, but also e-mail your newspaper (Allison's would be opinion@statenews.com) and tell them how much better they would be if they printed some finer material like Fetus-X. Try to fuckin' stay away from all that fuckin' swearin' and bull-shit, and maybe you should shy the hell away from the goddamn death threats, too, while you're at it, bitch. Those asshole bastards won't fuckin' print your kick-ass letter in their shitty-ass mother fuckin' rag if it contains the sort of expletives their virgin ears are unnaccustomed to. 2. Or maybe instead of e-mailing it, you could hand deliver your letter to your newspaper's offices. That way you could explain your love of Fetus-X to everyone within earshot, not just the flunky who reads the mail. Strapping anything that even remotely looks explosive to your chest (other than a Fetus-X t-shirt) would probably be a bad idea. Allison's newspaper's offices are located at 343 Student Services. And just in case you are planning some type of guerilla action, the university is kind enough to provide you with this map of where the building is (15-B? You've sunk my battleship!), as well as this fine third-floor floor plan. It's kind of hard to read the numbers on that floor plan, but I think I took a whiz once in area 304. And, no, that's not the stair well. I think. Or maybe that was Area 51. Whatever. 3. Really want to make a difference at your local paper? Why not apply for a job? Allison could either stop by the office we just mentioned and fill out an application, or bust off an e-mail to their student in charge of recruiting at recruiter@statenews.com. Just be sure to act respectable and dress nicely. In other words, drop the Fetus-X name incessantly and bring Fetus-X t-shirts for everyone. 4. Oh, I almost forgot the telephone and the FAX machine. Check your local phone book, or call information. Allison can find Fetus-X phone sex at 517.355.8252, or experiment by running moebius strips through a FAX machine at 517.353.2599. I've done it; it's cool. 5. Get creative. Fetus-X is all about personal creativity. Wouldn't it be cool if you tattooed your letter on your ass, then had a cosmetic surgeon remove it and then graft it on to your forehead? That way when mobsters decapitate you and send your severed head to the media it would not only serve as a warning not to fuck with gangsters, but it would also be a very eloquent and heart-felt letter to the editor as well. Oddly enough, that's how Casey and I perform much of our inter-office communication. I hope that helps you out, Allison. Thanks for waiting so patiently at the computer lab so you can check us out. That means a lot to us. While you're there, be sure to set the browser's home page to www.fetusx.com (go to edit/preferences/browser display or edit/preferences/navigator). That'll make everyone's Fetus-X enjoyment just that much easier. Here's one more piece of State News news before we stop our little anniversary celebration and move on. Check out the March 1 NerdAlert. Just in case it gets scrolled before you get there, here's the pertinent quote: "Little old me got quoted in the state news (that wretched fetus-x canceling bitch of a paper) about the vagina monologues, which i went to go see with a friend on sunday here on campus. so even though the paper sucks, the quote and the article are good." And that quote's pretty damn good as well. Now, whether it be quotes about the "Vagina Monologues," or dudes on the front page in Tonik shirts, or Fetus-X tribute comics, or any of the ten zillion letters to the editor, it seems that State News just can't keep the fetus love out of their newspaper. It once again brings us to the issue that's been raised so many times before: If Fetus-X fans are cool enough to constantly be in The State News, why can't they read their favorite comic there? Let's move on to happier things. Great comic strip... I listed fetusX on my web page as a cool link and make all my friends view it. I even use FetusX strips as wallpaper. If only I had a woman to send those great Valentines too... Big Fan, Howard in Texas PS What does a guy gotta do to get that graphic novel? Just got some big news on that today. 8 pages of that massive Fetus-X tome are scheduled to be reprinted in a very fine 'zine later this spring. So sit tight and watch this space for more news soon! And for all of those who didn't get their hands on the other incredibly small print runs, or who haven't managed to find a bootleg copy, I swear you WILL get this book! We WILL conquer the world! And if your name happens to be Andrea Cogal, whom I promised a copy to many, many, months ago, well, all I can say is "better now than never." Perhaps the utter disapointment you feel can somehow be lessened by the knowledge that your name has become synonymous with my broken promises and failures as a human being. If I ever sleep again I'm sure my nightmares will burn with the images of the pain I have caused you. I will not fail you this time. Maybe next time, but not this time. Dudes! I just checked out your site for about the fifth time today (still was waiting for the 13th's strip) and found a bunch of sections updated. Most surprising was the links page which was finally sorted out so we can tell which one's a new link. And there at the time was the astounding Best of the Best containing the club (of course!), Tonik and.....my site? The hell!? I was planning on sending you an e-mail about the small shrine I made but never got to. Somehow, it eventually ended up in your hands and I thank you very much. Fetus-X has touched me in ways no one ever would want to. It has gone where no man has ever gone before. And it left a stench of styrofoam and tang. Thank you. -CeaserZero (SpasticalPlastic on the message board) Yeah, Ceaser, you've definitely raised the bar for fan pages. Of course, I'm sure there's some young Web scribin' punk out there looking to knock you out of that spot. He's probably talking trash over in the message board right now. hey dudes, upon finding out yesterday that i was unexpectedly pregnant i proceeded to do the right thing and research the situation on the internet. i stumbled upon your site and decided that it was far more informative and funny than any of the baby info places. i thank you for putting such a delightful view of the unborn and dead out there for baby cynics like me. i expect the "lifeform" i like to lovingly refer to as my own personal parasite is about fetus x age as we speak. i also know in my heart that it is just as crass and bent as your friend. like mother like fetus. thanks for brightening an otherwise creepy situation. i am now and forever a loyal fan.
sommer
PS. and just for your info i am showing your strip to any and all underground papers from here to tampa so i hope they want to pick you up. i will not rest until you guys are the most famous fetus'ses in the whole blasted world. One word: strong. Sommer, your Fetus-X maternity wear (read: XL Fetus-X t-shirts) are in the mail. We can't wait to see the baby pictures! Not much I can say to top Sommer's letter. But you can try; e-mail your whopper to dudes@fetusx.com. Keep your fetus cool,
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