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Old School News

Fetal Positions

	Eric Millikin

June 7, 2002 - Confused by our recent sadistic tree-sloth comic?

Well, don't cry now, but apparently you're not as big a comics geek as you think you are.

In case you are one of the two people who weren't involved, last week a bunch of asshole comics readers, publishers, and creators (including me) who hate each other's guts and who have all identified each other as the true enemy have been engaged in an all-out, public flame war on message boards across the galaxy.

Basically it all started when I said that alternative comics (which I define as comics I read while recieving electric shocks to my nipples from the alternator of a 1985 Buick LeSabre) are vastly superior to mainstream comics (which i define as comics I read while standing pantsless in a frozen stream while mainlining heroin). That's when things started getting nasty.

Why? Because the comics I like are great, and the comics you like are shit, that's why. And as soon as anyone says they like the same comics I do, well too fucking bad because then I'm going to change my mind and decide I only like the comics you hate.

Why? Because I'm part of the big flame-war military industrial complex, and I've got to keep this big bitch of a machine rolling, that's why. Because we're fighting a war against intelligent thought and respect for others' viewpoints, and if we give in now, well, then the intelligent thinkers have already won.

Isn't conflict great?

And how can you get involved?

Well, I've made it easy. With the technology of my newly programmed FlameWare™ system, I've done all the work for you.

The idea for the the FlameWare™ system was conceived while in a flame war with Cuentos de la Frontera's Cayetano Garza Jr and Narbonic's Shaenon K. Garrity. If I remember correctly, Cayetona now owes me five bucks, Shaenon is a long-haired satan-worshipping circus freak, and I'm a Mexican Surf-Nazi Hippie with Kung-Fu grip.

The information contained within the FlameWare System was originally posted on public message boards by such people as myself, Scott Kurtz, Cat Garza, Joey Manley, Frank Cho, and also Kim Thompson, Milo George, and Dirk Deppey (all three of The Comics Journal). I think I even managed to slip in a bit of Scott McCloud and James Kochalka. Hell, I also included a few key phrases by Dan Vado (president of Slave Labor Graphics) that he posted on a completely unrelated topic. Why? Because Dan Vado rocks and I was too busy writing this script to publicly flame his detractors, that's why.

Plus, such diverse viewpoints, when combined, all add greatly to the surrealism/entertainment value of this project, if you ask me, which, of course, you didn't because you hate my guts and probably just posted so on the Field & Stream message board.

Has my brutal sentence structure pissed you off yet? Well then, simply copy the text from the following box and post it to your favorite flame-baiting message board! If the initial flame is too powerful for your cowardly copy-and-paste skills, simply hit the "flame on" button and pray for mercy! Which you'll never get.

Your current flame is:

Peace and flames,